A Story From a Future Dentist - part 8

I don’t know from where to start. Memories are like pictures. You may not like every piece of them but it will always be a part of your life. Right now I am feeling the heat of confusion and indecision. Life has already showed its various colors. So, it always gets on my nerve as I never got myself in a decisive situation. I always get myself into a situation from where it gets pretty difficult to make a decision. April 20, 2006; a week of joy and happiness in my country. 14^th April is the day of celebrating Bengali New year. It’s like celebrating English New year. The whole country gets into a festive mood. Although, I was not really in that mood as I was living in a nutshell from where nothing could sense. Every day was passing by, and I was in the same mood. There was not any significant stuff I used to do as nothing was interesting for me. You may feel that, I was reacting way too much negative. At times, you can change your mood within a split of seconds. But, there are some moments you couldn’t change by doing everything that would be possible at that particular time. Amazing stuff, isn’t it?

What actually life indicates when you are living your life in a shell? It indicates you are not living life according to the way it should be. Life is not about getting your moral down for significant period of time. But, who cares? Who can even control emotion? I guess no one. We are human, and it should be the answer of that particular question. At times, we get overjoyed, at times way too low, at times way to introvert. We can never control our emotion in the way it should be. It can’t be judged as human errors. It is part of human nature, and we people can’t accept this significant fact. The problem we face is the acceptability. We certainly have a great tendency of poking our nose on others life. We can’t accept other happiness when we are in a bad mood. Is it just jealousy or something else? I don’t know as I never got any answer from this sort of question.

A week after Bengali New Year, I had to meet with one of my friend. I didn’t want to do that, but she was furious in a way as I didn’t meet with her for like several months. The reason of not meeting her is not only about my current situation. It was also about my depression. It was killing me inside. And it was not only her, I had not met any of my friend for a long time. I didn’t know how to get rid of this germ shell from my brain cell. Why I was in depression and how did it happen? It did come on my mind from nowhere and it was getting more stable as the time was passing by. Why I was digging myself into more depression? Didn’t have any idea at all. But, I knew pretty well that, it continued for next few days, I would be in hell. It didn’t let me to do anything. It was killing my morals. 

The most funny thing was everyone’s assumption on me. Most of them thought I was really happy with what happened a few days back. They were assuming that, I was in a great mood for the admission I took in the dental college. For them, it was a pride and great achievement. But, no one even bothered on how it felt on me. No one asked whether I did enjoy doing that or not. Why it always happens with me? Or it just like that for all of you? May be or may be not..

A Story From a Future Dentist - part 7

April 11, 2006 – Week after getting admission into the college

One week had passed after I took admission into the college. I didn’t mention earlier that, the college is a private one, and expensive too! Still I am paying the amount that I never thought so. It is getting heavily on my nerve as I am currently studying and working at the same time. However, coming back to the story, I never wanted to spend so much money for studying here. My family was not in a condition where they could afford to do so. They took a chance without knowing properly that, all things would go smooth. I knew that, it would not be possible as there was financial tension going on. Actually, it did start some years back and was continuing for a long. I knew something bad was going to happen in near future. Private study is not about the education quality only. It’s about the money issue also. If you don’t have the ability to provide money on time, you can’t expect to have a degree on time. This is something I was wondering at that point of time. I also knew that, no one was going to bother on what I would say. Therefore, I decided to stop myself from saying anything as there was no point of doing that. I tried to make something for myself, but couldn’t do so. Let them handle things, and see how it would go. But seems like, there was nothing worse it would happen at that point of time. 

After getting admission, my friends used interact more. They used to hang out whenever they got time. I knew that, it was for the reason of my admission in the dental college. Even though, I didn’t want them to understand that, I knew the reason of their approach. It’s all about pride and it’s all about show off. Everyone always prefers to show something that he or he has never been into. I don’t know why they always like to do that as I personally don’t find it interesting. It is humiliating in a way because I am showing something to people that I am not? Then, what is the real point of doing that? I guess those people know better than me. However, I never wanted to experience things like that. I know why my friends didn’t make contact when I was not admitted anywhere. It was shocking for me, and I never believed or thought it would happen actually. I have experienced so many things after completing my college. It was the time when I started learning about the real life and real people. When you are in a position where no one is going to help, you will realize whose your real friends are. You may feel lucky in a sense as it is happening in your early part of your life. You will have enough time to make yourself understand and push forward to focus on your future life.

Week after my admission, my parents had already pushed myself to start study on my subjects. I was not sure what actually they meant. How it would be possible for me without starting classes? To whom I was supposed to give my answer? They won’t listen to me as they had already poked few times about the money they were going to spend or they already spent on my education. That was something I used to hate way too much. My words were pretty simple about life. I always told them that never do anything for me where you always have to poke every single second. If you were not capable enough to let me study in medical, then there was not logical view of getting admission there. Whose was going to make them understand? They were doing everything that would be right on their judgment, not my wish. This is reality or this is something that every parent always prefers to impose themselves to their children? Benefits? Where and how? No idea from my side…

A Story From a Future Dentist - part 6

The day when I got admission in the dental college

With so many questions with unresolved answers, I went to the dental college. It would be unfair to say that, I was in a normal mood. How it would be possible? I was pressing down my dream and trying to hold myself with my parents dream. One day I am going to be a dentist. But it will not be a dream comes true. It will be like; one of the responsible parts of my life is going to be completed. Things will not stop here as I will need to get more than one higher degrees to work in a better shape. However, I still remember that day as it changed my whole life. Before getting admitted, my life was not that soothing. It was difficult in a way because of the condition of family. Things were not going in the way that it would prefer to. My family had to pass through some serious bad patches in case of finance and internal craps. I always preferred to neglect those particular parts as I never wanted to believe that, those were going to be a permanent picture of my life. I would rather try to change things as much as it could be possible. It would be quite unfair for me if I couldn’t stand myself anywhere in the picture of my family. I have to present myself, and I have to show my capabilities. I have long way to go as life is still playing a hide n seek game. 

Coming back to the day of admission. It was a gloomy morning. It was going to be rain at some point. The whole scenario made it more depressing. Even though, my parents were looking excited as one of their child was going to be in medical college. It was something that had never done in their family history. I was making a history. Can you believe it? But, I never wanted to make history like that. How I would make them understand? They never listened to me. In near future, I would do the same thing. My thought was grabbing my inner strength. It won’t let me do or think anything to boost my inner power. Was it intentional or involuntary? 

Finally, I reached in the admission building. We were waiting for the call of principal. He was busy with other parents too. After waiting for about one hour, we got the call from the principal. I went inside, showed my gesture. Sitting there, the first question that asked by the principal was “Why you want to be a doctor?” I was in dilemma. What should I answer? I couldn’t tell him that, I didn’t come here in my own will. I was being forced my parents and their heavy expectations. Many of you may have thought of become doctor in your early life. I never thought to be a doctor. I never wished actually. So, there was nothing significant I could say to him. I was staying quiet for a min. Then I answered something that would call like a robotic answer. I said to him that “I always wanted to be a doctor. I was my dream. Never thought I would get a chance to become a doctor. Thanks to the almighty that, he gives the prime opportunity to make my wish comes true. I have been fortunate that, I am getting admission in your dental college. I will try my best to live up to your expectation. I will dedicate my life for this career. My aim will be people’s cure.” I am still not sure about those words. Those words didn’t come from my heart. My heart wanted to say something different that my parents would never wanted to listen in their entire life. That’s call reality which always tastes bitter than anything.

A Story From a Future Dentist - part 5

The day before getting admission into the dental college

I was numb. I was devastated mentally. I was furious on myself and also on my luck. Why it had betrayed again? No idea about that matter. Nothing was going on my favor. I was thinking and wondering on what I would do after completing the graduation? No idea. At present, I still have the same question. I do not belong to this noble profession. I am a modified creature that has been continuously scolded by family pressure and expectation. What I am supposed to do after completing bachelor? Going to work on my desired profession or try to get admission for higher studies on dentistry? Ahh.. these things are really disgusting to think, but I can’t hold myself to think as it is part of my life. I can’t change it. It has passed beyond my reach. It has gone far away from my grip. What I am doing now? The answer will be a clown who never been able to bring smile to anyone, still people have managed to make him a clown. 

That day was unforgettable not for the reason I was excited. It was due to the fact that, my life was going to be changed forever. I had to get things going for no reason. For no particular purpose, I had to push myself forward. That was extremely tough to control my emotion, my thought, my inner positive strength. Everyone was happy in a way that, one of their family members was going to study in medical. What good news for them. How come, they never thought about my wish and my expectation? Didn’t it matter to them? Why it was just about their wish and their demand? The answer was yes they are just being greedy with their expectations. 

When I think about that particular day, I feel ashamed of myself. I don’t why, but I think I could make a better attempt. But things have passed away. Thousands of things have changed or modified in my life. But still, it was the day which will be marked for rest of my life. Many of you may have wished to get admission into medical universities, and some of them have decided to take chance for making their parents happy. I still believe that, one should lead his or her life according to his or her wish. Don’t rush your life through going with the flow. It may not show it’s true bitter feelings at early period of your decisions. But, you will feel whenever you will be in tough situation or in a condition when no one will be there to assist you. Education is important to make ourselves education. But, why you have to get pressurized by our parents? If we need to get education, then we must get the authority of choosing our own professions. Life is just for single time, and we can just waste it through living up to our parent’s expectation all the time. We have to make them realize that, there are certainly things that are more important rather than their fake reputational crap. Which is more important in their life? Fake reputation or their children’s true happiness?

A Story From a Future Dentist - part 4

Why we can’t build our life in a simple manner? The answer will be the “Expectation” curse. It does make our life much difficult than anyone could ever think so. There may be several incidences where our parents might fail to do their desired things. They will always poke us to complete those dreams without thinking about our own desires. Why we have to get shackled with their dreams? I do admit that, parents are above all. We can’t afford to pay their efforts back by nothing. It was not, is not, and will not be possible for sure. But, still we have to lead our lives in our ways; especially on certain aspects where we personally wish to make it possible. It may not be that serious, but it will play a mind game if we don’t prefer to make it executable. 

5 days before I have to get admission into my present dental college. The funny was that, I didn’t know about my college before my parents were willing to make me admitted there. I never heard of this college in my entire life. So, in a way I was disheartened as I always expected to get into a university which would have an excellent educational system and popularity. Both of these features were unavailable at that point of time. Even though, it is the best private dental college in my country at this stage. However, there was positive news for me when I came to know that, one of my school mates was going to get admission there as well. With all negativity surrounding my mind, it was like fresh air breathing after a long time. That mate was a good friend of mine before he went for another school. We didn’t meet that much after he went for another school. But we used to meet occasionally as we lived in same area. However, I was trying to think positive as there was nothing positivity left out there.

One thing I did understand at that particular time, and it was something different. I used to have bunch of good friends. But, at those particular times, no one had ever backed me up in any way. It was shocking for me as I didn’t expect to be like that. Everyone was like dealing with their own lives. I didn’t expect them spending their most of the valuable time for me. But I was obvious that, I would expect to have my friends around me whenever I would get into troublesome situation. It was really heart breaking moments as I had never thought of having those particular moments. After that particular incident, I used to try building up my inner strength through saying that, I won’t be a matter if I had the ability to manage myself. Life is not about surrounding with thousands of people. You won’t need anyone if you could push yourself further than your imagination. Think beyond your imagination. One day you will see the ray of life…

A Story From a Future Dentist - Part 3

As the days were coming closer for the admission date, I was trying to make myself understand on several aspects. It won’t be a matter if I managed to handle it with a better a grip. But, where would I get that strong grip over my emotion, over my mind, over my consciousness? It will not be possible for anyone to take control over everything that he or she needs to achieve. It’s the beauty or curse of our live. I knew pretty well about the inability of handling in my own ways. But, back of my mind, I needed to gather some positive vibes that would help me to stay calm as much as it would be possible considering the situation. 

Some of my friends completed one year of their bachelor programs at that point of time. So in a way, I was disappointed over myself. Why wouldn’t I do the same? How would it feel if you see your mates were leading their lives with great ease and motivation, and you were still on a block hole? I know, frustration is the only thing that people needs to avoid in this type of situation. At times, it never gets possible to overlook this sort of situation as the depression gets over your strong believe. We are a typical human being. We have emotion, we are jealous, we are greedy, at times we are soft, at times we are sympathetic, at times we reckless. We can’t judge ourselves as the complete package where everything can be handled with proper shape. 

8 days before the admission, one of the college mates came to my house. We didn’t have a chat for like 8 months or more than that. He wanted to know about my absence as I was not meeting with anyone. I couldn’t answer that question. May be he did understand my situation, that’s why he didn’t ask another question on that particular subject. He got admission into a private university for studying in Bachelor at Business Administration. I was confused in way as he did study as a science student. I didn’t ask for the reason of that major shifting for his career. May be he knew that, he would do well after completing this degree. I knew that, he would do well as his parents were pretty cool about this matter. They won’t pressurize on this matter. I wish my parents would do the same. 

On that particular night, I was thinking about parenting style. In my point of view, when one couple prefers to be a parent, they need to take some education about parenting styles. I strongly believe that, parenting style needs to be modified with generation change. It can’t be stuck for like hundreds with same fashion. With changing social values and situation, children will change their mind. As a parent, you have to understand their situation, and co-related wisely. Unfortunately, I can’t expect to get this sort of education in my country. It will not be activated in next 50 years for sure..

A story from a Future Dentist - part 2

Getting into a block hole

 

Ten days before the admission into the dental college. Back of my mind, I was always expecting to get something miracle. There was no one physically who could have helped me. I was going down morally. My ethics of life was diminishing just like bullet train. One question was roaming around continually, and it was "What I am going to do?" I don't want to get admitted. Why don't they understand this truth? It will not bring back joy for none of us. It will create sorrow, it will create hatred situations, and it will create back stabbing mind. Every single minute was like hell for me. I know that, some of you may think it was ridiculous to react like that. With the available circumstances, it was expected. I knew that, I would eventually break down mentally. And it was correct in a way. Everyone has got their way of dreaming and living life. Everybody thinks, he or she will paint her life with bright colors. Then why there is still presence of black? Does black symbolize something? Truth? Or Unleash black secret? For me black is the color of extreme hatred feel or the elegance of joy. It will unleash its one side according to the situation.

When I was in college, I can't remember what I was planning for. I was sure that, I would not be able to admission in any of the well known private universities due to financial issues. Besides, I was not sure about government universities as there would be extremely difficult to compete. So, there were not many chances left at that point of time. I was a medium level of student. So, it would be unfair if would say I would make wonders with my uncoordinated brain. My family was not doing well at that particular time. That's the thing killing my brain as I still can't catch why they have intended to put me in medical studies in private section? It was obvious that, it would cost more than any of the private universities. For family wish, you just can't play with your children. This is wrong, really wrong. Our parenting styles are way much backdated. I am not saying, its way too bad; but at some critical stages, parents need to modify their parenting styles. Things have changed, and they should understand this fact. With changing social values, there is every possibility that young generation like us will be modified. Why we always have to run for the dream? Why we can't adjust ourselves with limited offer? The answer will be the desire. We always try see things that we could not get in past. We try to see our dreams through our children. Then what about your children's own dream? Does it need to be flushed out from his or her life? Does it sound right to you? So many questions that we have been wondering for hundreds of years, but there is still no answer. It may be inability to see things or we don't want to see things like that. Every punch has its own power. Let it flow, it will hit somewhere....