Monday, May 14, 2012
Summer was at its peak. I was going for my first dentistry class. The previous day was the final day of my English course. Still, I was not being able to catch up with certain things like how this English course has helped me! There was nothing special I was learning as the teacher was focusing on basic grammars and how we should try to interact with our teachers while giving oral exams. As the dentistry course was based on English language, everybody was little concerned on how they were going to approach when the day will come. I was not thinking about these things, why should I? My mind was spinning for something else. I still could not catch up with the environment that I am going to stay for next few years. I don’t know what’s going to happen in near future, but I did not know that something will turn my life way more than I could even imagine.
We all have our specific dreams for choosing professional careers. Life does not swing at our will every time. We hope for something, and the reality gets quite different. That was my case, and I was in a route where turning back could not be possible. I had to go through roughened surfaces and control my inner fierceness.
I was going to my unwanted destination, hoping to escape from my black shell. I used to come to this area some years back. The area was looking totally renovated. Buildings were popping up like mushrooms here. I used to like the previous set up where there were green lands over miles. Now, it looks like lines of stony walls covering giant structures one after another. City life had changed its face quite dramatically. Even though, it didn’t help to keep things stable. On that very day, I reached my destination after a journey of 1 hour and 20 minutes. I was not feeling nervous, but there was something unusual. New people, new environment, and new destiny. I was looking for one my school mates who went for another school after completing his 5th grade. He was really happy knowing that, I had also got an admission here. After searching for few minutes, I finally found him at a corner. He was talking to one of the co-students of my batch. After a few words for casual salutation, I could not find anything to talk about. However, all of us got into the class room after a while. I was feeling numb actually, and there was nothing I could feel at that particular time. What would be the next vulnerable phase that was going to come? No idea...
The first class I attended was the Anatomy and Histology. Head of the department was quite strict with her words. She was letting us know about the difficulties we were going to face while studying in dentistry. Besides, Anatomy and Histology is a vast subject to study. I guess those of you study in medicine or dentistry, already have better concept about the hardship you face while studying. At that particular time, I was not actually bothered about the difficulties of study in dentistry. I was thinking about the day and I would have to pass each day in this stony shell. I was hoping to get finished with all classes as soon as I could. Time was not passing by, and it was stuck on a standing pitch. After few hours of boring lectures, all classes were finally finished. I was quite happy having finished those classes. It felt like a kind of a big relief and I was willing to get home as fast as I could. Home is the only place where you can sit alone and spend time with your own thoughts. It was the only area where I could think about my wish and my upcoming plans.
After reaching home, there was nothing special to do. So, I went outside to see a college friend. Had a nice chit chat with him. He was asking me about my first day of dentistry life. What could I say? Pretty interesting? That would be utter lie. But, I had to say that it was good, and as usual. I couldn’t express my views as it would raise so many questions. That’s the thing we always face while doing something against our will. We can’t say or express our feelings as we don’t want to be in an awkward situation. We always run through sensitive matters. At times, we don’t have the courage to tell the truth. Life or reality makes us vulnerable at many points. We can’t catch every moment or thing that will bring happiness. It’s like a brick that does not have strong impact on a solo feature. When bricks are brought together to make a structure, it does create a huge impact. Sometimes, we miss the simplest answer while looking for the complicated one. That’s why we call ourselves human I guess.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
My classes started soon. For the first few months, there was not anything related to medicine that we had to study. Rather we had an English class. Well, it was designed so that in the later periods of our course we are able to study our medicine courses in English. Although English is the second language for us, and it was mandatory for us to start learning English from our preschool, I would say that most of us do not master the language at all because of lack of skilled teacher and an extremely poor teaching system. I am not a master of English myself, but I guess I can somehow manage the communication part well enough.
However, the scenario was not the same for my other class mates. Most of them came from city outskirts or small towns with a dream of becoming a dentist. Many of them were hard working and meritorious too. But English was a terror, a nightmare to them. I never considered myself to be a good student or anything like that, but after seeing them facing all the difficulties, I started to feel like maybe I am not that bad. I perhaps should have been happy thinking that I will be doing okay with my studies. But, the real problem was not with studies at all. For most of my classmates, coming to the capital city was like stepping out of your cocoon. Most of them have never lived without the family , and a dorm life was completely new to them. Although, I did not have to live in the dorms as my home was at a regular journey distance, but their measurable dorm life already made me feel that, it was probably good for me this way.
Only a couple of boys and girls were from the capital city, and this was the first time for many others. They were very different in many aspects I hardly had found anyone who had any similar interest, and it was very difficult to talk to them too. In the English classes, people were even jealous with me as I had a somewhat good command over what we were being taught. As I had already said in my previous posts that after a long discussion and debate with myself, I somehow managed to make me believe that I will do alright here. But the first few months in the college left me with the thought, how I am going to survive with a group of people with whom I have nothing in common. Was it even possible for me to change myself and join their league? Not really. I would not say they were bad or evil, they were simply way too different than me, and as they have lived their lives in places where our society is much more conservative, they had all those values and norms that were alien to me. And, I with my own beliefs and lifestyle- I was alien to them too.
So, there was this new tension, will I have a friendless life for the next five years? And anyone in medicine study, probably know that without a strong study group, it is difficult to survive here. Although I was not completely aware of this fact back then, I still had a fear in me, how do I get through this?
Friday, April 20, 2012
Anyways, in those terrible days my thought process was stuck and I really could not think of any way out. I knew that only a miracle could help and miracles do not actually happen on their own. Besides, I had already lost a few valuable years of my life and my parents could not afford to bear my unfruitful years anymore. I don't know how it happened, but somehow in between my depressive state, I had a strange sort of realization. I started to feel like that it was my life after all. I could be sad and pathetic and bear the remorse in my heart for the rest of my life, or I could accept whatever happened and make ways so that I can adapt to the changes. I also realized that it was on my shoulder then to pull my life from the terrible situation I was in. Whatever the reason was behind my getting admitted into the Dental College, if I needed to be stable in my life, I myself will have to work for it. So, just before I would start to go the classes, I made up my mind to try it seriously. And in fact I was an inexperienced one, nothing did I know anything about being a dentist. Why should I despise this profession or the studies when I had not even tried it.
By the time, my class days were there, I kind of prepared myself for this new life. Although I did not have a definite idea about the life of a medical student, I knew this much for sure that this life was not going to be a very smooth and peaceful one. Whatever I have heard from a few friends of mine ( who were already students of medicine), I knew that the study of medicine needed direction and determination. And with a confused state of mind I would be landing nowhere. In the meanwhile, I one day had a long chat with an online friend of mine. She was a very positive person and she believed that the key to happiness lies in our own hand. Life can present us all sorts of uncomfortable situations and all sorts of unpleasant surprises, but it was completely u to us how we would go through that and handle our lives. I was also thinking in line. I decided, if this is the only option for me, I better make the most out of this. May be this was going to be the best opportunity that I could expect from my life. In that case, why should I waste it? I suddenly started to feel a positive energy inside me and something inside me was whispering to me that may be it was not going to be that bad in the end if I myself take the control over the situation.
Well, this new feeling definitely made sense to me. It was obvious that I can not get whatever I want in my life. But that does not necessarily mean that, I should still bang my head on a closed door or go on nagging over something that I cannot do or achieve. So, I was determined to give my best shot to the study of dentistry. And if I do something, I should do it wholeheartedly. I knew that any mistaking or derailing down the line will create a complete mess of my life. And I cannot let that happen to me. My parents also became aware of this change of attitude in me and they seemed happy. So, instead of being depressed, I was kind of waiting for a challenge to start, a challenge to turn every odd to even. And in fact, nothing can bring peace to your mind, other than yourself.